Yesterday I heard yet another story of a marriage that couldn’t take place due to the inanity of the groom to be. Even if successful in their careers, well-educated, and/or living independently, some men just seem to revert back to the village mentality when it comes to finding a wife. In this case, the couple ‘clicked’, both on the same wavelength in terms of education, family background etc etc, the superficial considerations of height, weight,skin colour, nose size were fulfilled, but for some reason the man insisted that his wife should live with his family some 400 miles away from where he worked, and he would come along every 2 weeks or so, to see how she was and fulfil his marital duties. She would be moving 200 miles from her family and friends for this.
Some might disagree, but a marriage is a partnership between two people, and the families are an important, but secondary relationship arising from that partnership. Personally, I believe that unless there is someone in the extended family that needs the full time support and care (e.g. elderly, ill or maybe if completely alone), newlyweds should have their own space to adjust to each other and to strike out their own path in life. In the case above, the wife is left without the support of the new husband, without the opportunity to form a proper bond with him, with her in-laws. If problems arise, naturally the husband will take the part of his family first,a s he will know and trust them better. I say he is spineless, as this lifestyle choice he is making is for the convenience of his parents, as they will get a sweet, respectful daughter-in-law who will be at their beck and call 24-7. So many times I hear of men taking the ‘easier option’ of doing what their parents want, whether it is marrying a cousin from abroad, living with huge extended families or even just giving up a good match Islamically for superficial reasons – they do a huge disservice to themselves, as well as to the girls they end up marrying.
This girl chose not to put herself through this potentially stressful and damaging experience, but of course he will get married at some point, and probably on these terms. Women end up feeling (or being made to feel) that they are the ones that are ‘picky’ when they have to make the difficult choice of turning down an otherwise eligible match, yet some sacrifices are just not worth making.
September 21, 2009 at 7:30 pm
This “marriage proposal” is a very abusive one; the groom gives her a servant position with his family, but not the place of a spouse? where is he living? or in the middle ages? not self-respecting female will accept that her married life comes after she has fulfilled her duties as maid and help for the aging parents of her husband.
This is a very sad, abusive view of the role of a wife, hope that he can change and don’t impose this situation on another good female wanting to be a full time wife!
http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com
September 24, 2009 at 8:35 am
Gah I hate stories like this and yet they are all too common!
September 24, 2009 at 11:09 am
Interesting storyt from the female p.o.v.
I am in the process of looking for a suitable bride for marriage. And I can say that my experience has been very similar to the above…and I find that girls are too picky/choosy…and its always finding an excuse to say no.
It seems trying to get married nowdays, is like walking through a minefield.
September 24, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Thanks for your comment Shams. I agree that things aren’t always black and white, and girls can be picky about certain things too. Certainly a lot of girls I know are very hung up on the ‘height issue’ and unfortunately short brothers often get a raw deal, which is unfair. What I was trying to highlight is that at the same time, men often don’t realise the impact of the ‘softer’ (i.e. less obvious) aspects of married life, e.g. living arrangements, lack of mutual respect etc.
September 25, 2009 at 4:33 pm
So girls give brothers a raw deal before marriage only to get a raw deal themselves after marriage….?????
Shouldn’t things like living arrangement, mutual respect, working, etc all be discussed prior to marriage?
Over the course of this year, quite a few of my friends got married and some made it clear that they want to live with their family which the girl was happy with, whilst others said that they will be moving out but not straight away as they want the girl to get to know their family and vice versa.
However the problem everyone worries about is the cost of housing in London.
I work in housing and from experience, I can tell you that some of the married Muslim couples are taking extreme measures to be housed by Local Authorities or Housing Association, including saying that the women is a single mum, when the husband is still there. All this done to get their own living space when renting or buying their own is not an option.
September 26, 2009 at 7:49 am
Salam – that’s a good point about the cost of living in London, I have also noticed that there is a severe problem with overcrowding in areas such as Tower Hamlets.. but social housing and unemployment etc are another topic and generally not one that affects the educated and professional brothers that I alluded to in the post.
I think there are a lot of girls who have some degree of pressure put on them (by their own families) to go along with what the husband’s family would like in terms of domestic arrangements etc. They are told that things can be changed later on if it’s not working , but the reality is that it is very difficult to change the established status quo and then they are told ‘well you shouldn’t have agreed if you weren’t happy with it’. It’s a sad and frustrating trap, and in extreme cases results in divorce. I’m not saying that it’s the man’s fault if this happens (after he has tried to ascertain his wife’s wishes), but there should be an awareness that this can often be the case. I would say that 9 times out of 10, if given the option, girls would choose to have their own space in which to establish themselves as wives and mothers.